For the Dreamers

          I know I’ve been away for a while and honestly; I wish I could say it was for any other reason than the same reasons from these last couple of years. It’s tough coming back on here without a different update. Between being lost in my grief and fighting depression it just seems like it’s so hard to keep my head above water this time. The phrase “take it one day at a time” has taken on a new meaning for me. I always understood what it meant, but I never knew how literal this statement could be until I had to actually take it one day at a time. One day I can feel so motivated, like I have all the strength to take the world by storm, and the next day I can be so down in the dumps (almost lifeless). Every single day I have to psych myself up, and quite frankly, it’s exhausting. It takes so much energy to do that every day, but I’m really trying to pull myself out of this. I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss my options, so hopefully there’s something that can help me. I really tried to take the no daily medication route, but I’m to the point where I’m running out of options. Maybe it’s just something that I have to do. I’ve tried other things, but I just can’t seem to shake this. Sometimes when all else fails, you have to just throw up your hands and take the help you can get (even if it’s not what you pictured). It’s not easy, and sometimes you might even feel defeated by it, but you have to find a way to pull through.

          To the people who lost a close loved one (or multiple loved ones) all while facing other fears and situations, God Bless you. If you found a way to pick up the pieces and push through that empty hollow feeling that you feel from their absence to the fear and anxiety you experience when other life situations come crashing down then my dear, you deserve a medal! Half the time it feels like I’m on autopilot. I don’t even remember going from one place to another. I can look up from doing an aerobic exercise routine and don’t even remember what I did. I just mentally check out sometimes. Being in this headspace is like you’re walking through a tunnel trying to find your way out, and there’s not a speck of light in sight. I need that peek of light to let me know that I’m at least going in the right direction, and I won’t be lost in this maze forever. I need to know that there’s hope and I will get out of this. I listen to motivation videos a lot more these days and after a long hiatus I’ve restarted my spiritual journey. I’m tired of always feeling like I’m at war with myself. I need something more. I need healing from the inside out.

          As I continue this journey, I have no clue what to expect or any indication of where this road may lead to. I’m hoping it won’t be another dead end, but if so, I hope that one day everything will make sense in the end. Hopefully I will have a beautiful story to tell, and every setback that I ever had will lead me to an amazing outcome that I could only dream of. Someone once said out of most success stories we can never imagine how hard their journey was. All we see is their end results. We don’t see all the failures and years that it took a lot of people to go through to get to where they are today. We’re so consumed with instant gratification that it’s hard to keep trying when you fail over and over again. As years go by you start to think will it ever happen? And then you hear that inner voice inside your head that tells you to get back up and try again. As messy and depressing as it can be to look back at, I’m glad that I recorded a lot of this journey. We forget so much overtime, and I want to remember how hard this was, so when it finally happens, I can see how much of a warrior that I truly am.